I really don't know how to start. So I'm just going to jump in head first! I started this blog because I'm a pastor's wife and have just found out I have bipolar disorder. I know this is a very taboo thing within the ministry , but it is what it is. This is my beginning of healing and maybe helping. As I searched and searched for something on the web for bipolar women in the ministry I came up with nothing so I started here.
For years now I have dealt with this ugly disorder in secret but God chose it was finally time to come out and fight the demons that haunt me day after day. For years I was a drug addict trying to hide some emptiness inside me. I tried forever to just get away from myself but nothing worked. I was hopeless, I had no God, I had no feelings, I had no self worth. But one marvelous day Aug 11 the Lord found me and saved my soul. He cleaned me up took away the drugs and gave me hope. He gave me the breathe of life. He let me feel love for the very first time! It was amazing!!! He has also made me a pastor's wife. Which still to this day blows my mind!
But through all of this I have held a secret that only me and God knew. Well really I didn't even know. I just knew something just wasn't right.
Through all the love and growth there was still this haunting of self doubt and emotional roller coaster rides. One minute I would be fine , happy, praising. The next I would feel like I could die, how could God love someone as worthless as me, I needed to be locked up and the key thrown away. I would go through such high fits of aggravation over the smallest things that it is only by God's grace my husband is still with me. It was so bad at times I would beg my husband to let me leave because I didn't think it was fair for him or the children to live with me. I would beg to God to help, to show me what horrible sin I had committed for Him to leave me this way with no joy. I really wanted to just die. Not to kill myself cause I knew the pain it would cause the children but to merely die. I felt I was going insane.
Outside of the house , at church, different functions I held it in I pretended and lied about the feelings. But when I would get home they would come out like a flood. I was getting so tired and the thoughts and feelings were getting worse. I had to do something fast. I had to admit that there was a problem.
First I came to my husband with the truth about how i had been feeling. He also knew something was wrong but he was thinking he was causing my pain. He just wanted to see me happy. We decided together to go to a doctor. It took awhile to except the diagnosis. I started meds then quit thinking I'm a christian I should have more faith then this to deal with a crazy head issue. I was in denial and I had a lack of knowledge on what bipolar really was.
Of course the doctors told me it is like any other disease like diabetes or ms but it just didn't seem the same. After I quit the meds things got worse. Finally I got to a point where I had no other choice but to give in.
God works in such amazing ways. I went back to the doctor. He explained it again and it finally began to sink in kind of. On the drive home I was listening to the radio and there was a pastor talking about his fight with the same problem. I had never heard anyone in the ministry ever talk about having a mental disorder. It was like a ray of sunshine that went right threw me at that moment. I wasn't alone. It wasn't a lack of faith, it wasn't because I was horrible, it was because I had a brain disorder.
This is where I have started to turn and try to except, deal, and let God heal. It is still early and I'm still fighting. But God is holding my hand threw the whole thing. He has been showing me things that are helping. I have started this thing called lies, truths, and scripture. What I do is when I feel a lie about myself or agitation I write it down, Then I find a truth to denounce the lie in scripture, then right the scripture number and hold it in my pocket till I memorize it. This will be my fight against satan to help my shield off the lies he fills my head with. Below will be my first LTS (Lie, Truth, Scripture). I hope I haven't bored you but thanks for listening. Mental Illness is real. It is not a lack of faith or a lack of God not loving you. It can be genetic, it is a real disease. I'm trying to help those who feel like they are alone because it is so hard for us to share it with fellow Christians. But here is a safe place for comfort and Godly support. May the Lord bless you, Guide you, and keep you strong!
LTS
LIE: I'm not good enough to be a pastor's wife
TRUTH: But now hath God set the members everyone of them in the body,as it hath pleased Him.
SCRIPTURE: 1 Corinthians 12:18
I am fearfully and wonderfully made
About Me
- Bipolar Pastor's Wife
- First I want to say that I love the Lord Jesus and He has saved my soul and my life. I have been married to a wonderful man for 13 yrs and we have 2 beautiful children. I love to camp and spend time with my family.I also love to design clothes and paint. I also have a very real and serious disorder called bipolar. I started this blog in hopes of maybe helping and connecting with other women in the ministry that suffers from a mental disorder.
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ReplyDeleteFirst of all, thank you for the courage to begin a ministry within the mental health arena. I agree that there is not nearly enough exposure to the churched that mental illness doesn't always go away with prayer. Don't get me wrong, God can do it all, but for His own reasons He doesn't always do it the way we want Him to. You have a niche that many are going to be able to benefit from and I praise your convictions for allowing yourself to be vulnerable and out in the open as an invitation to others who need a community.
ReplyDeleteI too am a pastor's wife with a controversial background (single mom, promiscuous past, drug use..) but He found me too! I don't hide my past (although it's so hard to not pretend I'm like every one else around me) and the more I allow my past mistakes to teach others, the more I realize no one is as I think they are. We all have our demons and I think I hurt most for those out there who think it's their own failings (as you did) and give up; surrendering to who they think they always have to be. I'm glad to meet you and I will spread the word through my community as well as to my friends on Facebook of your new ministry.
(sorry, I posted this first under the church blog by accident :])
Yes, thank you for seeking the truth! Too often I think those in the church try to cover up things, but that just gives the enemy strength. Exposing it to the light and to the word of God is what starts that healing.
ReplyDeleteI can't help but think that the first thing that Jesus mentioned in the beatitudes was "Bless are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the Kingdom of God". I am on meds for depression, although it's not serious, it does affect my focus and when I get depressed, I am not able to minister or love to my full potential. The wonderful thing I have found is that this allows me to minister to others with these problems. Youth and adults have come to me with various disorders, and I have been given the opportunity to love them and let them know they are loves and accepted by God. Isaiah 53:4 says "Surely he took up our infirmities, and carried our sorrow"
I love how God works, and I love how love works! Your husbands show you true love as the prophet Hosea showed his wife. You are fearfully and wonderfully made and this is an awesome ministry! Let's remove the stigma surrounding mental illness and allow Christ to touch those affected so that they may be a blessing to others by gaining complete healing.
I've been in ministry positions my entire life and I too struggle with bi-polar disorder. I'm not alone and you're not alone.
ReplyDeleteI've learned to look for the grace in every swing, to search for God in all things and to know that above all else, He made me, He knows me, He loves me. And that is my gift to share with the world. And there is beauty in the imperfection. We're made in God's image and that makes us amazing: fearfully and wonderfully made.
Bless you in your ministry. I look forward to hearing more from you.
my dear sister! i was so excited when my friend crystal shared your blog with me. i too am an asst. pastor's wife. i do not have an ongoing mental illness but when my son seth wasj ust 9 weeks old (he's now 4)i was diagnosed with post partum psychosis. and though my illness didn't last more than 6-8 months i have been blessed by the Lord bringing people into my life with mental health issues. i begged god to take my life before i succeeded in taking my son and husband's (many attempts). and the Lord gave me a picture. hope this helps you. at my worse he showed me in a room no doors one window with a blind pulled down from the outside so i had no way of letting light in and now way of opening the window as it could only be opened by the Lord. at any moment thick black smoke would pour into the room and i felt as if i would sufficate. at just the right moment God would open the window a small crack enough for me to paste my lips on and breath. then it would shut. eventually the curtain would start to open a little at first then all the way ...still with black smoke in the room. then the window would open a crack, close, open some more another day, close another day...the picture was enough for me to know...He knew, and he'would give me just what i needed for that day. eventually he opened the window all the way and i climbed out. oh what a glorious day. then i had relaps and i got sucked back in. now i am out but he allows me to see that window from the outside to not forget all he taught me, how he chizzled me, how he loved me even when i was at my worst. i had people try to pray demons out of me! i finally, by God's grace, came to the understanding, it's not my fault i'm sick. my body doesn't work the way it's supposed to simply because of the fall of man. what releaf that brought me. oh dear sister! iwill be praying for you and your family! God bring peace, understanding, help, joy that comes in the mourning.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much everyone!!! This is such a blessing!!! It is so amazing how God uses our infirmaties to reach, touch, and heal!!!! We have an amazing Lord! I'm just asking for pray that this small ministry will help break the taboo for christians with a mental illness. That the Lord will let them know that they are not alone and the Lord is with them. Plus I hope it will help others who do not suffer from a mental illness learn and understand a little more about it. May God Bless you all!!!!
ReplyDeleteHello! It looks like you just started this blog. I'm so happy you did. I have been writing about bipolar disorder and relationships since 2000 -- well I had a column from 2000 to 2002 and still receive messages from loved ones and from people with bipolar about how to sustain a relationship. I've been married to my long-suffering husband for 16 years and I am applying for a fellowship from the Roslynn Carter Foundation for Mental Health Journalism to cover bipolar disorder and faith -- what faith communities can do to reach out to people with mental illness, especially those with bipolar disorder. Also I am assisting my husband in starting a covenant partner of the Fuller Center for Housing. I'm scared, too, of not being able to be the wife who lends credibility to him in his journey.
ReplyDeleteWhat a beautiful testimony to the love of our Savior. You know, we forget even Luke was a physician, and Jesus calls Himself our Healer. Physical, emotional and mental diseases are real, and only through the sustaining power of God can any of us find healing and relief. It was a blessing to read such honesty and openness and such love for your family and for the Lord!
ReplyDeleteDeborah...Port Alberni, Vancouver Island
ReplyDeleteFeel free to email me: "brenthobden@hotmail.com"
As I sit here reading, a tear breaks through the barrier of all that I must hide and hold together. My husbands has pastored & been in ministry all of his life as well - and I too have struggled with Bipolar for almost 30 yrs! I've know Christ for 25. My battles have been compounded by horrific abuses suffered during my childhood. God has been more amazing than mere words could begin to describe! But, through the years of battling with this disease - He has let me/led me through many suicide attempts. I used to wonder why He would NOT let me die. It's because He has a purpose for my life that is far more precious to Him than me at times. I was so confused for many years by well meaning "christians & pastors" telling me I didn't have enough faith or that there was unrepentent sin in my life; also, that I did not need medication!!! Praise God I now know better.
I thank God for finding your site, your ministry & your willingness to share. It is only when we allow God to use us this way that the Light of Christ can reveal the lies of the enemy & heal us. I, too, have started sharing my testomony over the last few years. There is a definite need for this area to be explored, shared; and more importantly,accepted in the Christian community.
God has been opening doors for me and my family to start a church, my wife was diagnose with bi-polar. I Thank you so much for the way God has use you and is using you, I needed to know that it was possible for my wife to be able to work with me in this new chapter of our lives. THank you for letting God use you!!! God bless you
ReplyDeleteI SO MUCH UNDERSTAND THE PAIN THIS ILLNESS CAN CAUSE. I WAS DIAGNOSED 6 YEARS AGO WITH BIPOLAR ALTHOUGH I HAD DEALT WITH IT MOST ALL MY LIFE. IT HAS BEEN A JOURNEY THAT HAS COMPLICATED MY LIFE TO THE POINT THERE ARE WEEKS AT A TIME I CAN BARELY FUNCTION ONLY TO BE SWEPT BACK UP TO SOME SENSE OF SANITY WHICH IS VERY SHORT LIVED. I AM TOO A CHRISTIAN WHO SEEMS TO ISOLATE MYSELF MORE AND MORE. I KNOW THIS IS NOT WHAT GOD WANTS IN MY LIFE AND I FEEL SO MUCH SHAME AND GUILT OVER MY FEELINGS AT TIMES. I REALIZE IT IS MY ILLNESS DOING THE TALKING, AND I HAVE A GOOD KNOWLEDGE OF THE WORD BUT I STILL FEEL AT TIMES I ALIENATE MYSELF BECAUSE OF BEING SO EXHAUSTED MOST OF THE TIME. I DON'T MAKE PLANS TO DO ANYTHING WITH ANYONE BECAUSE THERE IS A GREAT CHANCE I WON'T FEEL LIKE GETTING UP. I WISH MORE OF THIS ILLNESS COULD BE UNDERSTOOD BY MEMBERS OF CHURCHES. THERE ARE STILL SOME PEOPLE WHO FEEL IT IS A LACKOF FAITH. THEY DON'T UNDERSTAND THE ILLNESS OR EITHER JUST KNOW WHAT TO DO IN REACHING OUT TO THOSE WHO NEED UNDERSTANDING. I HAVE BEEN VERY INVOLVED IN THE PAST WITH NAMI WHICH IS A GREAT ORGANIZATION FOR THOSE WHO SUFFER WHAT FEELS LIKE A BRAIN EATING PARASITE THAT JUST WON'T LET GO OF YOUR REASONING ABILITIES. GOD HAS PULLED ME THROUGH SO MANY TIMES OF DEFEAT AND I KNOW HIS LOVE KEEPS SUSTAINING ME. GOD BLESS YOU ALL AND GOOD LUCK WITH YOUR FUTURE ATTACKS FROM THE ENEMY. HE DOESN'T HAVE THE FINAL SAY! THANK THE LORD
ReplyDeleteBlessings. Thank you, your words and open honesty are so beautiful. I was recently diagnosed with biploar. Is there a way we can connect? My email is: butterflynicolle@gmail.com
ReplyDeleteIt would be wonderful to correspond with you.
Thank you for being a beautiful blessing.
Smiles and Joy!
nicolle ☺
Australia