I Corinthians 9:24 "Know ye not that they which run in a race run all, but one receiveth the prize? So run, that ye may obtain.
I know as I read this verse at times I just don't feel like running. I don't even feel like moving. I feel like sitting done and letting the others pass me cause I feel like I don't even deserve the prize that we are going to obtain. At other times when I feel like sitting it is because it is a lack of strength to keep moving. It is a fight with in myself for the desire to even move. Even as a pastor's wife I feel this way at times. These are the times when my bipolar is low. These are the times when I sit in darkness and blow out the light. These times might last awhile or a short time. But praise be to God He doesn't let the light stayed blown out!
There are many different kinds of races. Some are races with smooth roads with your occasional wind in the road. Others are on rocky terrain with mountains, caves, and rivers. Some are long and some are short. But it is still a race. All and all if you are in Christ you are in the race. With bipolar to me it feels like I'm in the race with the rough terrain. But the important thing is when I fall over the rocks, run threw the caves, and have to struggle across the river even if I feel like I'm drowning, is to KEEP GOING. When I fall the Lord is always there to pick me up. Not because He has to but because He wants too. Jesus has already obtained the prize for us but it is our job to keep running (as hard as it may be at times). The Lord knows how hard the race is for us. He is running it with us. If we sit down and stop we have let the devil and bipolar win. So when you have tripped over the rocks and have fallen remember Jesus' hand is waiting to be grabbed to pull you out. When you are in the cave and there is no light Jesus is there to shine the way. When your drowning in the river Jesus is there to be your life raft. We just have to fight with ourselves to let Him do all these things. That is the hardest part of all. It is not easy I know. I speak these words to myself also. I just keep trying to tell myself I have bipolar , bipolar does not have me!
Saturday, March 7, 2009
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
Me
I really don't know how to start. So I'm just going to jump in head first! I started this blog because I'm a pastor's wife and have just found out I have bipolar disorder. I know this is a very taboo thing within the ministry , but it is what it is. This is my beginning of healing and maybe helping. As I searched and searched for something on the web for bipolar women in the ministry I came up with nothing so I started here.
For years now I have dealt with this ugly disorder in secret but God chose it was finally time to come out and fight the demons that haunt me day after day. For years I was a drug addict trying to hide some emptiness inside me. I tried forever to just get away from myself but nothing worked. I was hopeless, I had no God, I had no feelings, I had no self worth. But one marvelous day Aug 11 the Lord found me and saved my soul. He cleaned me up took away the drugs and gave me hope. He gave me the breathe of life. He let me feel love for the very first time! It was amazing!!! He has also made me a pastor's wife. Which still to this day blows my mind!
But through all of this I have held a secret that only me and God knew. Well really I didn't even know. I just knew something just wasn't right.
Through all the love and growth there was still this haunting of self doubt and emotional roller coaster rides. One minute I would be fine , happy, praising. The next I would feel like I could die, how could God love someone as worthless as me, I needed to be locked up and the key thrown away. I would go through such high fits of aggravation over the smallest things that it is only by God's grace my husband is still with me. It was so bad at times I would beg my husband to let me leave because I didn't think it was fair for him or the children to live with me. I would beg to God to help, to show me what horrible sin I had committed for Him to leave me this way with no joy. I really wanted to just die. Not to kill myself cause I knew the pain it would cause the children but to merely die. I felt I was going insane.
Outside of the house , at church, different functions I held it in I pretended and lied about the feelings. But when I would get home they would come out like a flood. I was getting so tired and the thoughts and feelings were getting worse. I had to do something fast. I had to admit that there was a problem.
First I came to my husband with the truth about how i had been feeling. He also knew something was wrong but he was thinking he was causing my pain. He just wanted to see me happy. We decided together to go to a doctor. It took awhile to except the diagnosis. I started meds then quit thinking I'm a christian I should have more faith then this to deal with a crazy head issue. I was in denial and I had a lack of knowledge on what bipolar really was.
Of course the doctors told me it is like any other disease like diabetes or ms but it just didn't seem the same. After I quit the meds things got worse. Finally I got to a point where I had no other choice but to give in.
God works in such amazing ways. I went back to the doctor. He explained it again and it finally began to sink in kind of. On the drive home I was listening to the radio and there was a pastor talking about his fight with the same problem. I had never heard anyone in the ministry ever talk about having a mental disorder. It was like a ray of sunshine that went right threw me at that moment. I wasn't alone. It wasn't a lack of faith, it wasn't because I was horrible, it was because I had a brain disorder.
This is where I have started to turn and try to except, deal, and let God heal. It is still early and I'm still fighting. But God is holding my hand threw the whole thing. He has been showing me things that are helping. I have started this thing called lies, truths, and scripture. What I do is when I feel a lie about myself or agitation I write it down, Then I find a truth to denounce the lie in scripture, then right the scripture number and hold it in my pocket till I memorize it. This will be my fight against satan to help my shield off the lies he fills my head with. Below will be my first LTS (Lie, Truth, Scripture). I hope I haven't bored you but thanks for listening. Mental Illness is real. It is not a lack of faith or a lack of God not loving you. It can be genetic, it is a real disease. I'm trying to help those who feel like they are alone because it is so hard for us to share it with fellow Christians. But here is a safe place for comfort and Godly support. May the Lord bless you, Guide you, and keep you strong!
LTS
LIE: I'm not good enough to be a pastor's wife
TRUTH: But now hath God set the members everyone of them in the body,as it hath pleased Him.
SCRIPTURE: 1 Corinthians 12:18
For years now I have dealt with this ugly disorder in secret but God chose it was finally time to come out and fight the demons that haunt me day after day. For years I was a drug addict trying to hide some emptiness inside me. I tried forever to just get away from myself but nothing worked. I was hopeless, I had no God, I had no feelings, I had no self worth. But one marvelous day Aug 11 the Lord found me and saved my soul. He cleaned me up took away the drugs and gave me hope. He gave me the breathe of life. He let me feel love for the very first time! It was amazing!!! He has also made me a pastor's wife. Which still to this day blows my mind!
But through all of this I have held a secret that only me and God knew. Well really I didn't even know. I just knew something just wasn't right.
Through all the love and growth there was still this haunting of self doubt and emotional roller coaster rides. One minute I would be fine , happy, praising. The next I would feel like I could die, how could God love someone as worthless as me, I needed to be locked up and the key thrown away. I would go through such high fits of aggravation over the smallest things that it is only by God's grace my husband is still with me. It was so bad at times I would beg my husband to let me leave because I didn't think it was fair for him or the children to live with me. I would beg to God to help, to show me what horrible sin I had committed for Him to leave me this way with no joy. I really wanted to just die. Not to kill myself cause I knew the pain it would cause the children but to merely die. I felt I was going insane.
Outside of the house , at church, different functions I held it in I pretended and lied about the feelings. But when I would get home they would come out like a flood. I was getting so tired and the thoughts and feelings were getting worse. I had to do something fast. I had to admit that there was a problem.
First I came to my husband with the truth about how i had been feeling. He also knew something was wrong but he was thinking he was causing my pain. He just wanted to see me happy. We decided together to go to a doctor. It took awhile to except the diagnosis. I started meds then quit thinking I'm a christian I should have more faith then this to deal with a crazy head issue. I was in denial and I had a lack of knowledge on what bipolar really was.
Of course the doctors told me it is like any other disease like diabetes or ms but it just didn't seem the same. After I quit the meds things got worse. Finally I got to a point where I had no other choice but to give in.
God works in such amazing ways. I went back to the doctor. He explained it again and it finally began to sink in kind of. On the drive home I was listening to the radio and there was a pastor talking about his fight with the same problem. I had never heard anyone in the ministry ever talk about having a mental disorder. It was like a ray of sunshine that went right threw me at that moment. I wasn't alone. It wasn't a lack of faith, it wasn't because I was horrible, it was because I had a brain disorder.
This is where I have started to turn and try to except, deal, and let God heal. It is still early and I'm still fighting. But God is holding my hand threw the whole thing. He has been showing me things that are helping. I have started this thing called lies, truths, and scripture. What I do is when I feel a lie about myself or agitation I write it down, Then I find a truth to denounce the lie in scripture, then right the scripture number and hold it in my pocket till I memorize it. This will be my fight against satan to help my shield off the lies he fills my head with. Below will be my first LTS (Lie, Truth, Scripture). I hope I haven't bored you but thanks for listening. Mental Illness is real. It is not a lack of faith or a lack of God not loving you. It can be genetic, it is a real disease. I'm trying to help those who feel like they are alone because it is so hard for us to share it with fellow Christians. But here is a safe place for comfort and Godly support. May the Lord bless you, Guide you, and keep you strong!
LTS
LIE: I'm not good enough to be a pastor's wife
TRUTH: But now hath God set the members everyone of them in the body,as it hath pleased Him.
SCRIPTURE: 1 Corinthians 12:18
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